Karen's Journal: 'It creeps up on you, that harmless-looking brown powder' - a reflection on years of heroin use

Karen has been sharing her diary for a little over a year

Karen – a familiar face here at The New Futures Project – shares her diary with us every month.

Writing under a pseudonym and in poor but improving health, she writes about the highs and lows of her life with great humour and candour.

She loves dropping into the project to catch up with friends and, more recently, has become a committed and enthusiastic member of our team of volunteers.

Here, she reflects on the progress she has made in the past year.

I had so many goals for this year and I have come a long way, she writes.

The main thing is I can stand up without crutches and don't lie awake at night crying in constant pain.

Looking back, I don't know how I coped with it. It was indescribable. It was every second of every day.

I would pee in a bucket next to my bed because I could not physically get to the toilet. Even standing up was not possible without the crutches, which I'm still learning to walk without.

My spine has curved from being on crutches for years and I still get the most crippling pain in my lower back after only a few steps - but it's getting a few more steps each time.

Looking back at how I was in January last year, I never thought it would let up. So, my health is getting better.

I'm not using class As anymore. Well actually, I'm not going to lie to you or to myself. I do have the odd relapse, but it is very rare and each time it's with more resistance.

READ MORE: Karen’s Journal: ‘I can’t believe I’ve been writing this for a year now – it’s the first thing I’ve actually stuck to in ages’

READ MORE: Karen’s Journal: ‘Mama, I’m going to make you proud of me and show everyone that I’m amazing, that I’m a fighter’

Karen is friendly and familiar face around the project

I am so conscious of my situation and I know I have come such a long way and I am so far into my recovery journey.

Think about it. I started drugs at 14/15 years of age. I was just smoking weed, but at 19 I started smoking heroin. A so-called 'friend' gave it to me to try.

No one thinks they're going to get addicted - but it creeps up on you, that harmless-looking brown powder. It would control my life forever, or so I thought.

I never once let someone try heroin for the 'first time'. Never. People would say: "Don't be tight" or "It's not like I'm going to get a habit is it?".

I'd tell them: "I wish someone told me what I'm saying to you, instead of getting me to try it for the first time."

I told them: "You will not become an addict overnight. You might never touch it again - but you might become addicted.

So don't be saying: "Come on mate, just let me try it just one time". No, if I gave it to you I would in no way be your friend.

I've spent most of my life as an addict, sometimes a 'functional' addict. I would hold down a job, have a car and I was engaged to my missus for seven years.

But I was also living on the street, shoplifting or selling drugs just to support my own habit.

But now I am starting to like my life. It's like I'm 20 years old and need to find my path. For the first time since I became an addict 26 years ago, I am changing my ambitions and I have hope and a great network of family and friends around me.

As long as I'm honest, they will see that. My life is finally beginning. I am excited about this year. It's going to be amazing.

READ MORE: 'It's exciting to see where it will take me' - counselling student Eva loves being on placement with New Futures

READ MORE: A huge 'thank you' to our amazing Leicester 10k runners - and there's still time to make a donation

Karen says she enjoys writing her journal

Last year it was my physical well-being I had to focus on before anything could change. This year is my education about life, about finding my place in the world as someone of value, someone that is trusted.

I want to be able to look in the mirror and love the person looking back at me.

So, readers, let's do this.

Special thanks to the New Futures Project. Della, Maggie, Abi, Carl, Avril, Lisa (gone but never forgotten), Nico, Ciaran, Taylor and all the students and staff that have joined my recovery journey over the years.

But last but never least, I dedicate my determination to my beautiful daughter, A. One year closer to us being reunited.

Love to Emma (Editor: The love of Karen’s life, who died in January 2020). I hope you are proud of me.

The New Futures Project offers a comprehensive welfare and counselling service for women and young people dealing with sexual abuse or exploitation, domestic violence, trafficking, poverty and debt, substance use or mental ill-health.

Call us on 0116 251 0803 or send us a message at: info@new-futures.org.uk or you can find us at 71 London Road, Leicester, LE2 0PE.