Karen’s Journal: ‘It’s so nice feeling wanted and valued and just being liked by people again’

Karen – a familiar face here at The New Futures Project – started keeping a diary late last year having agreed to share it with us, our supporters and the wider community.

Karen – not her real name – is 44 and in poor but improving health, chiefly as a result of drug and alcohol use.

She loves dropping into the project to catch up with friends and, more recently, has become a committed and enthusiastic member of our team of volunteers.

Here, with characteristic humour and candour, she looks back over the past few weeks, the highlight of which was hosting her mum for a long-awaited birthday visit.

I can’t believe the year is not far off done, she writes.

I’ve got to go on a diet. I’m too big now. Then again, I tell people: “It takes a lot of effort to look this good,  being literally twice the woman I was.

I’m still having to learn how to walk without crutches. Still getting crippling pain in my lower back after a minute or two of walking.

 Might need physio, the nurses think, but my legs are healing now and it’s amazing waking up every day not being in pain!

Thinking back on it now, I really don’t know how I coped, lying in bed for hours, crying in pain.  Life is getting better each day.

Omg! I should have kept my mouth shut. Woke up this morning and realised I’d slept through the nurse’s visit to change the dressings on my legs.

(Ed: At this point in the month, Karen’s phone broke).

Checked how much for a new screen. It’s £60 – the phone only cost £65. Madness, she continues.

So, having no phone is unreal. Don’t know what to do with myself.

A major thing has happened. I thought my phone breaking was bad enough.

Lisa, the New Futures Project’s drop-in manager is leaving. She has a new job. The project wrote about it here earlier this month and I’m not going to lie, I burst into tears when she told me.

Yes, it was pointed out to me that that Lisa has to follow her own path and, yes, I only wish her every happiness with whatever her life throws at her. 

I completely get she has to do what what feels right and I’m happy for her, but that doesn’t mean I can’t be terribly upset about it. Lisa has played such a huge part in my recovery journey.

She originally started as a student and was my support worker. I really got on with her. When she left I used to say to the students: ‘You come into our lives and then you leave’.

But Lisa did come back as a full-time member of staff. I would run straight to her for help if I needed anything.

If I had a problem with benefits etc I’d just write ‘Lisa’ on the envelope or I’d go into the project and say ‘Is Lisa in her office?’ and sit down with her and say ‘Lisa I’ve been a silly girl’ or ‘Lisa, I need your help with these forms’.

I knew she was always there for me. I am going to miss her so much but I didn’t let it be a negative thing – so I got her a card that said ‘congratulations on your new job’ instead of one that said ‘Sorry you’re leaving’.

I also bought her a present and built up all my courage,  slapped on a smile and went on to say bye to her on her last day.

By the way, I’ve never bought anyone a leaving card and present, so that shows how much I value her friendship.

To make sure she’d not forget me, I tipped a pot of gold glitter in her card, so when she opened it she got covered in glitter. I told her she’d be finding little bits of glitter for months and every time she’ll say ‘Bloody hell Karen’.

(Lisa, I’m going to miss you. Well, we’ll always have American pancakes.)

As my mama would say: ‘Y’all come back now you hear!’

So the project is changing and with it I’m changing. I’m evolving with the project.

Every day, in every way….

I’ll let you into a little secret. I am great at saying the right things and generally most of you will see what I want you to see.

You’ll think I’m doing amazing, but underneath the surface is someone crying out for help.

But that was the past and I am making better choices in my life and I am choosing not to take drugs, other than when I just can’t afford to.

I want to be clean. I want to be a better person. I want to enjoy life, to live life, not just exist.

To my mama, dad, brothers, sisters and all the others I have hurt, wronged or betrayed over the years I was an addict, I am sorry. But words are just that….words.

Sorry is a word you have heard from me time and time again. It means nothing, it’s just a five-letter word. It’s my actions which will show you I mean it. It will take time, but you will see. I‘m becoming someone you can trust again.

I’ve lied, stole, cheated, conned, burgled, shoplifted and committed fraud in my time.

But I’ve also loved, cared, laughed, cried, lost family and lost friends. I’ve only ever wronged when I was in my addicted state. I’m not that person anymore.

And, a message to my brother, (ED: she refers to him as E): I truly deserved what you called me. I am an ‘abusive user that lies and takes drugs’. But I will spend as long as it takes building bridges with him and I hope one day he forgives me.

His words cut deep. He said he hated me and would never talk to me ever again, even on my deathbed.

I didn’t deserve those words. No one could. I’m your sister, don’t disown me.

I love you bro and I’m sorry. I really am sorry. I’ve got some work to do to prove I’ve changed.

So, it’s almost September. Before I sign off on August, just a few things.

My late wife’s son was 18 this month. (Ed: The love of Karen’s life died several years ago). Now, I’ve not met him yet but her sister and I keep in touch and she said he wants to meet me.

After all, my wife and I had our beautiful angel (Ed: Karen and her partner had a daughter) so he has a step-sister and I am/was his step-mum. I’m looking forward to that, but I didn’t want this month to pass without and not mention him.

So, a belated Happy Birthday to you. I can’t wait to meet you. I’m sure we’ll get on – plus you’re a Manchester United fan, so that’s good too. 

Secondly, I’ve started doing some volunteering at the project on more of the management side of things. I love it.

That feeling of knowing they have trust in me and that they value my opinion and input. It’s so nice feeling wanted and valued and just being liked by people again, being around people that I know are not trying to harm me in any way.

I’m going to go out on a limb here and say it – I think I have friends!

That’s not forgetting you G (Ed: G is Karen’s best buddy). I’m not overlooking you. You’re my best friend, my brother from another mother! xxx

It’s September. Mama’s birthday in a few days. She’ll be 39 – again!

Contact The New Futures Project on 0116 251 0803 or send us a message at: info@new-futures.org.uk

You can find us at 71 London Road, Leicester, LE2 0PE.

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